Sometimes the universe directs me to write about certain topics, and today my friends, we are going to talk about toilets.

You see on the weekend, I walked in on the Footy Ref taking a slash, and yesterday I read about a study from Swinburn University about the growing cases of toilet anxiety in which people refuse to go number twos unless they are at home.

So, I thought I would put together a handy little guide on how to best use public restroom facilities.

Do not assume that the toilet furthest away from the entrance will be the cleanest, for this is simply not the case. It is quite often the grossest as people assume that it is the least used, and use it. You need to go to the stall that is the closest to the entrance, for it is the least used. FACT.

Despite what I just said, always choose your second option, for the first one till no doubt have a number two sitting lonely, all by itself, with the absence of any toilet paper. FACT.

Do not bother hovering over the bowl while completing your business, for there is far many more germs on the door handles that there is on the seat. FACT.

Keep a small packet of tissues about your person as public toilets, when they actually have paper, are stocked with sub-par samples. The type that works against you. Smearing toilet paper. It is not good. FACT.


In a busy public toilet, you know, where there is a line (Think half time at the footy) consider folding up toilet paper in the bowl before using the facilities. There is two reasons for this. One, you will muffle the sound of falling plop and more importantly, you will avoid the dreaded splash back of strange sewerage water.

If you have a sick tummy, wait for someone else to flush before letting it rip. Again, this will muffle the sound.

When you leave the stall, make sure you apologise to people waiting for no reason at all. There will be an absence of liquid soap in all the dispensers, although you may get a dribble of pink liquid if you pump that bastard enough.

Do not look at the floors. EVER. Unless you have a stomach of steel. Never ever put your bag on the floor.

Try and avoid using the toilet on a plane. The smell will stay with you the entire flight and you will have to wash your hair immediately once you land.

But mainly go when you need to go. Syphon the Python to make the Bladder Gladder and all that jazz.


This article originally appears on Show & Tell.

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