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Monty: A Letter To The Baby I Never Had

Dear little baby,

It feels a bit strange calling you a baby, because at seven weeks you were still only a tiny little embryo. But you already had mini elbow joints and eyelids covering your tiny eyes.

I brush it off when I think of you, or of that time.  You left me before I fell in love with you,but I loved the possibility of you, and what our family was going to be like with another little ball of energy in it.

I found out you were growing inside me when you were only 3 weeks old. When two lines appeared on the test, I was equally ecstatic and nervous. You were going to be our second little baby. A brother or sister for our Bax.

I called your Dad to tell him the news. This made you feel very real.

For the next four weeks I went on with life as usual. I didn’t feel much different. I was busy chasing Bax around and had my head deep in work. Occasionally in bed at night I would get excited that you were in there with me. It wouldn’t be too much longer until I could tell the world you were on your way.

One morning though I started to feel strange, things were not right. I began to bleed and I knew this was not a good sign. I went to have an ultrasound;  your teeny heart was still working hard, although it was a little weak. I could see your little heartbeat light up on the screen.  I was told over the next 24 hours I would know if you were going to hang in there or not.

While paying the receptionist I burst into tears. A room full of round tummied women looked at me with pity in their eyes.

It didn’t take long for me to know that I wouldn’t see your tiny toes, or smell your delicious little head.

When I went back to the doctors the next day,  you had completely left me. I briefly cried again. Then I moved on.

I didn’t feel like I needed to talk about you or who you may have been. I saw you as a sign that I could have another baby, that the possibility of growing our family was still alive, even though you were not.

I haven’t thought about you for a while, but every now and then I do and I probably always will. Today I am tired, my eyes are stinging and I’m running on empty, and for some reason I am crying about you. I get emotional when I’m exhausted and I’m that way a lot lately. That is because three months after you left,  another little baby started to grow.

He grew big and strong and extremely beautiful. I am looking at him right now.

I am so wildly in love with him, his name is Arlo. He smiles whenever he catches my eyes and his giggle is infectious.

As I look at him now I realise if you were here, he would not be. That is an odd feeling. It makes me feel sad, guilty and happy all at once.

I’m not sure where you are, if anywhere at all. But little boy or girl with mini elbow joints and eyelids covering your tiny eyes, you were my baby for seven short weeks and I will never forget that. Promise.

Love Mum  x

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