This Girl Swears A Tall Glass Of Sperm Smoothie Cures Colds
We're not sure where to begin with this one, so we'll just dive straight in: A 29-year-old woman from the UK puts a spoonful of her best friend's sperm into a smoothie every morning to boost her immunity.
We'll just... let that sink in for a second.
Tracy Kiss, a single mum-of-two has sworn by semen's ~healing~ properties for years; her fave facial (easy now) treatment is a couple of egg whites mixed with spermies and lavender oil.
But the vegan - so we're assuming sperm doesn't come under the "produce of a living thing" banner? - decided to up her protein count with a shot of spunk in her morning banana shake.
"I'd been feeling run down and had no energy, but now I'm full of beans and my mood has improved," she told The Sun.
So. Many. Jokes.
"It can taste really good, depending on what my friend has been eating. My other mates think I'm strange, but I don't give a toss."
Bet he gives a toss, though, eh? Eh?
Tracy explained that she makes sure he has regular STI check-ups, and knows he doesn't smoke or do drugs; she stores his special emissions in the fridge, we're hoping in a clearly marked jar.
"When I first approached him, he was concerned I'd use it to impregnate myself," Tracy continued. "But once I'd convinced him it was for my beauty regime, he agreed - after all, he has a regular supply at hand."
Her mate's little swimmers usually go in the blender with fruit, seeds, coconut or almond milk but it doesn't always have the same result.
"Every batch tastes different, depending on what he's been eating," she explained. "If he's been drinking alcohol or eaten something particularly pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads up so I know not to drink it neat.
"Things like pineapple and peppermint make it taste better, but I'll happily take it straight off the spoon usually."
BUT, before you go off door-knocking for a friendly donation, this advice, unsurprisingly, doesn't come with medical approval.
"There's no scientific evidence whatsoever that drinking sperm will stop flu," said Dr Carol Cooper. "Plus, depending on where the semen comes from, you could be at risk of catching viruses including HIV and Zika.
"Semen does contain a lot of zinc compared to other bodily fluids but not in comparison to a vitamin tablet or food."
So there you have it. Stick to cod liver oil.